Wild Hearts: Jessica's Testimony

People have always used one word describe me: “passionate,” and it took the passion of an almighty God to capture my heart.

One of the largest parts of my identity stems from my ethnicity: I am half Lebanese. My father was raised Muslim and became a Christian in college. He married my American mother, who had become a Christian in high school. Because of my dad’s background, my parents always wanted to make sure that I was able to choose for myself my religion. I was educated about multiple faiths and philosophies, and told that I would have to decide what I myself believed. Probably because I had the heart of a child, and also because of the mercy of God, I came to believe in Jesus as my Savior at a very early age. I have always been passionate. I remember at five years old, desperately wanting to tell my friends and relatives about God. At age seven, my Father finally allowed me to be baptized. I began to read and study the Bible shortly after, and started journaling at age eight. I asked my parents for permission to stay in the sermon rather than going to children’s church, and besides this, my father and mother both provided me with excellent teaching from the scriptures.

As I learned about the Bible, I started to contemplate some of the more challenging questions regarding what I had been hearing and reading. What if the Bible was really written by one person—a grand but perhaps even accidental hoax? What if everything we believed was all just a fiction? What if it never actually happened? What if Jesus never existed? These questions were especially distressing to me because I had, at this point, a very intimate relationship with God’s Spirit, had received his close care for many years, and could not reconcile how I could have experienced this what I understood was not real. My Dad came home to me crying one day as I contemplated these things. My parents sat down with me and began to explain how the Bible was written and how we know the way it was written. They gave me books and research which answered many of my questions, and encouraged me to continue studying on my own. Although I have continued throughout my life to have many questions about the Bible and my faith, from that day on I became only more and more thoroughly convinced that the Bible is true, that Jesus is indeed the son of God, my Savior, and that the very same God was living and breathing into me, each day—of these things I have been convinced and upon them, I have staked my life.

This, of course, was only the beginning of my journey. Shortly after I was assured of my faith, God filled me for the first time with power by His Holy Spirit. And it’s a good thing, because my sin was already taking a strong hold in my life. Pride has been, and still is, my greatest enemy. From an early age I struggled with judging my parents, especially my father. I knew enough about Christianity that I could see what they were doing wrong—when they weren’t living up to the standard of the Bible or the teaching at church—and I held it against them. I felt that I should not have to respect those who did not “earn it.” As the oldest, I was a great challenge to my father and his authority. Although we had a very good relationship when I was a child, as I moved into pre-adolescence and adolescence, things only became more difficult. By the time I was fourteen we were thorough enemies. My mother was always trying to mediate between us. Even though I never seriously disobeyed my parents, or immersed myself in the world, or ran away from my home, I doubt that anyone could have broken the fifth commandment more thoroughly than I did. Both of my parents tried to tell me how serious my pride and arrogance was, but I was staunchly certain that I was the correct one and that they were the ones who did not understand. They could correct me over and over, but it was like I couldn’t even hear them.

It took me until high school to see my arrogance for what it was. God used a series of very humbling events and godly men and women in my life to show me just how disgusting my sin was. Everyone had been effected by my pride—my parents, my siblings, my friends, my teachers—I was the only one who hadn’t seen it; and then all the sudden, my eyes were opened, and I thought I would die. In his love, my Father God patiently disciplined me, and began to tame this tongue of mine, which was as a sharp sword which wounds. He also began to teach me of the cross, and for the first time, I grew to understand the great cost which my savior paid for me as he hung at Calvary. Wild hearts can’t be tamed, but they can be captured, by the great and powerful love of an awesome God.

From then on, it has been a continual process of breaking and healing, humbling and sustaining, growing and glorying in the gospel of my Lord. For those of you who can relate to me: those with a strong head and a stubborn heart—with difficult questions and deep thoughts—with a passionate desire for something worth living for—let me assure you: there is one and only one who is worthy of your allegiance; he is the Lion of Judah, the Holy King of Israel, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. Pledge him your sword and he will make you a mighty warrior for him—only under his mighty hand will your knee bow, but when you do, you will experience the freedom for which your fiery heart has always longed—freedom in an unquenchable and passionate love which alone is powerful enough to hold you.

~Jessica