For this week’s round of posts on relationships, I was assigned the topic of relationships with parents. This was no surprise, mostly because of my in/famous relationship with my own parents—let’s just say, I wasn’t the easiest child to raise. Every person has completely different situations, different strengths, weaknesses and struggles in their parental relationships. With that in mind, I tried to break up this post by some of the common situations/difficulties I know that we all struggle with. First though, let’s read what the Bible says about our relationships with our parents:
"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’”
~ Ephesians 6:1-4
"Hear, my son, your father's instruction,
and forsake not your mother's teaching,
for they are a graceful garland for your head
and pendants for your neck."
~ Proverbs 1:8-9
"Hear, O sons, a father's instruction,
and be attentive, that you may gain insight,
for I give you good precepts;
do not forsake my teaching.
When I was a son with my father,
tender, the only one in the sight of my mother,
he taught me and said to me,
'Let your heart hold fast my words;
keep my commandments, and live.
Get wisdom; get insight;
do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. . . .'"
~ Proverbs 4:1-5
There are two lessons about our relationship with our parents that these passages teach us.
The first is to obey and honor our parents. This is pretty strait forward—unless your parents are telling you to sin, and as long as we’re under their roof and dependent on their support, we need to submit to their directions, even if we don’t exactly agree or feel that it is fair. Why? Because ultimately fearing God is more important than winning an argument and getting what we really want right away. Besides this, if your parents see that you obey them, it will build trust and respect, and eventually they will have enough confidence in your obedience that they will give you more freedom and responsibility, trusting you to take care of yourself based on your appropriation of their wisdom. Take it from someone who knows—obedience isn’t just convenient for your parents—it has long term benefits for your relationship with them and for you personally. I know, I know—it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it’s worth the frustration it takes to subdue your will and emotions in order to obey God, and some day when you are a parent you'll be grateful for the same dedication in your own child.
The second biblical message about our parental relationships is that we should pursue and treasure their wisdom, instruction and advice. This message is, I believe, farther-reaching than the first—it will be applicable and beneficial to you for your entire life. You will only have to obey your parents while you are under their authority, but the good that is accessible to you through their insight and involvement in your life will never fade away, no matter what season of life you are in. It is a part of “honoring” our parents, and like obedience, it too comes with a life-long promise of God’s blessing. This is where I would like to focus more attention. Sometimes, as young adults, we become so focused on “growing up” and making our own ways in the world that we turn away from the ones who are most equipped to guide us in that endeavor. We can be so involved with establishing our own identity, building our own circle of friends, and learning things through our own experience, that we brush aside the treasure chest of experience and wisdom that God has already bequeathed to us in our parents. They, more than anyone, were given by God to help you as you shape your identity as an independent adult.
But relationships are never easy, and there are always road-blocks we must face along the way. Things like, “my parent/s and I don’t have much in common,” “my parent has sinned against me so often that I’m always angry at them,“ “my parent and I are so much alike that we butt heads,” “my parents judge me and don’t listen to me when I try to communicate with them,” “my parents are awkward and don’t know how to interact with me,” “my parent doesn’t want a relationship with me; they don’t want to be a part of my life,” or even “my parents are not saved, so they don’t share my values and even persecute me at times.” These are all very real and difficult challenges. We all have them. But you know what? That’s ok, because the things which are most valuable are things most worth fighting for, and a relationship with your parent/s is worth fighting for.
Here are some things to remember that I think will help you out.
1) God, in his wisdom, chose exactly who he would give to you as parents. Whether they are unsaved or saved, laypersons or pastors, whether they’re quiet or loud, whether they’re right-brained or left-brained, single, divorced, married, gentle or harsh, strong-willed or lenient, God gave you exactly whom he did, having considered and approved of every single detail of your life-long relationship. They are exactly what you need in order to grow into the image of Christ, and you are exactly what they need as well. No one else would do. Chances are that you see more of the negative traits that are sanctifying you than you see the positive ones which are building you into a functioning adult on a daily basis. It’s likely that you see more of their sin than their righteousness—I mean hey! You live with them. But God sees and loves your Mom and/or Dad the same way that he sees and loves you—with eyes of hope, forgiveness, grace and acceptance—eyes that see all the good that is in them, and all that they are meant to be. He sees them through the righteousness of his Son. Pray that God will give you his eyes, and humility to remember your limited view and understanding (Proverbs 3:5-8). It’s always good to remember that God knows a whole lot better what he’s doing and what’s good for us than we do.
2) Even though you may share no common interests with your parents, I guarantee you that there is always, always something new that you can learn about your mom or dad that you never knew before and that will surprise and interest you. There was a period in my life when I so wanted to have a deeper relationship with my Dad, but the way I imagined it was him pursuing me, getting to know me, caring for me, understanding me, being there for me. I was so focused on how I wanted him to love ME that I never thought about how I might be able to love and be friend to him. Talk about self-centered. When we finally started to mend our relationship I was surprised by how much he wanted to tell me about himself, and how many things were explained when I started to realize how he felt about life, what he’d been through, and why he thinks the way he thinks. There was so much there that I never knew existed, even though I had lived with him my whole life. Your parents are real, complex, deep human beings with a heart and soul and mind—There is so much to discover, so much you will never find if you only relate to them on the level of an authoritative relationship; when we only interact with our parents to ask them permission to do things, or to check in to be sure our work/chores are done, or maybe to go out with them once in a while, it’s like treating a ticket- booth like the entire fair ground—We’re missing out! Start asking your parents some deep questions about themselves with a real desire to learn. It may feel awkward starting off—but be brave. You never know: you might even discover that you have more in common with them than you realized.
3) Never underestimate the power of experience, and an outside perspective. Your parents have both. They may not have been into the same music as you are when they were teenagers, but they were teenagers. They’ve been there, done that, and survived. They’ve experimented with more situations than you have, been in more fights than you have, experienced more relationships than you have, made more money than you have, all simply by nature of their longer duration of life on this planet. You should listen to them. Also, they’ve watched you pitch fits, mope and rebel since you were a shrimp, as well as seen you mature and grow first hand. Therefore they are aware of your patterns of behavior . . . believe it or not . . . even more than you yourself are. Common, admit it, you’re not even sure who you are—you’re still figuring that out, and in the long run, that’s something you will have to determine for yourself—but right now, consider your parents as the computer data-base with more information than anyone else in the world about you, your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses. This is why God says that we should value their advice above all others’. Who wouldn’t appreciate or use such a database?
4) For those whose parents are not Christians: Unsaved parents can range from nurturing to hurtful to downright dangerous, but in any case, we are still able through the grace of God to honor and respect them. Honor does not require you to agree with them or even to necessarily obey them 100%, all of the time. Honor entails a reverence and respect for the fact that God placed you under their authority, for the fact that they gave birth to you, that they in some way have sustained your life, and that they have experienced more of this world than you have and therefore know more than you on many, many levels. Even if your parent is not saved, they have wisdom—be it mixed with the secular wisdom—that comes from experience which you can benefit from. Perhaps the most compforting thing to remember is that by honoring your earthly parents, you are ultimately honoring your Heavenly Parent--your Father God, who is blessed by your trust in and obedienc to his desire. He is really the one taking care of you. He is able to use *all* things to his purposes—difficult situations, the background of your parents, the mistakes of parents, the personality of your parents . . . your mistakes :). Because you are a child of God, all of these things work together in his great plan for your (and their) ultimate good. Therefore it is important to reverence their authority in your life, to honor their direction and to pursue their wisdom and guidance where possible.
We all need to remember that as you grow in the Lord, you will have new and beautiful opportunities to minister to your parent/s by loving them, caring for them, providing for them, praying for them, even being a friend to and advising them in their own life situations. You may even have the *great* blessing of leading your parent/s to Christ—a privilege many are honored with. In all these actions, through the Spirit of Christ, you are able to be a blessing to them—through your humility, your teachability, your love and pursuit of relationship, you are doing what Scripture commands: you are showing them honor.
“The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;
he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and mother be glad;
let her who bore you rejoice.”
~Proverbs 25:24-25
I have a CHALLENGE for you this week: find (or set up) a time to spend time with your parents, and during that time, find a way to get to know them better. Ask them questions, show an interest in who they are and what they have to say. Ask for their advice about something, and then listen to them, and really think about it and take it to heart. See the way that God blesses you.
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