Flirting is Fun, Godly Conduct is Hard

You've been invited to a party, and you get a call from your best friend that he is going to be there. This completely changes everything, from what you are going to wear to how you do your hair, to what perfume you are going to put on. He seems to like green, so you put that on. You overheard a conversation he had that he thought girls who wore skirts were pretty and feminine, so you put on a skirt.

At the party, you nonchalantly look around, zero in on him and make sure no girls are talking to him. Good, he's with his guy friends. You quickly scan the crowd and see what the other girls are dressed like...do they look better than you? Anyone wearing green? Anyone wearing a skirt? Good, no one is. You don't want to seem too eager to talk to him so you wait and mosey over to the snack table. No, wait, no snacks because it might make you look less attractive. Everyone knows that eating and talking to a guy is a social flaw.

You do eventually make your way over and strike up a conversation about...well, you can't really remember what it was about, but throughout the evening you do what you can to hang out with him and get his attention. After the night is over, you leave, making sure to tell him goodbye and that it was nice hanging out with him. In the car, you look at your best friend and suddenly you are both talking about the evening and "how it went" and every little gesture and glance that was passed between you and him.

Sound familiar? Can you see how childish this looks? An entire night devoted to one guy; one guy who will probably not end up being your husband. In fact, he might end up being the husband of one of the other girls in the room that you were comparing yourself to. All that time and energy for nothing...flirting, giggling, acting a part, paranoid about who else he might be giving his attention to, hoping that he likes how you look...the list goes on.

I set this scenario up to make this point: ladies, it is completely and entirely possible to be a friend to a guy without flirting. It is quite possible that we can be attracted to a guy and not flirt with him. Not only is biblical friendship possible, but attainable with any godly guy whether we are attracted to him or not.

Chances are, if we are flirting with someone we like you are flirting with someone we don't like, too. When it becomes a part of our interaction with one guy, it bleeds itself into you relationships with other guys. We might not “like” Steve, but we unconsciously flirt with him because it has become a part of who we are. No one wants that type of reputation! When we leave that party, what influence are we leaving behind? One where our guy friends are uplifted and drawn to Christ, or one where they are remembering how we looked and acted? Which is more beneficial for us and them in the long run?

This is simple common sense. Flirting is fun, but fleeting. Godly conduct is hard, but lasting. When we are in heaven, what will we remember from here on earth? That we flitted around from one social gathering to the next having fun, or that we were purposeful in pointing people to Christ? I'm not saying that every conversation has to be about the Bible, God, or Jesus and if its not than we are doomed. What I am saying is that fruitful conversation with a guy who is not our husband does NOT involve flirting. Yes, you read that right. Until we are in a permanent relationship, flirting has no value except to get ourselves attention when we shouldn't be seeking attention. The single season we are in now should be dedicated to Christ and Him alone. Giving our heart to a guy prematurely is completely setting ourselves up for it to be broken. Please, let’s save ourselves the heartache. We don't want to be in that place, especially one of our own making.

Thinking this way is for all of us. Whether we are in high school, college or working. Whether the guy is in the church, at school or in the workplace. If we are talking to "that guy", and see him as another woman's future husband, our conduct should change. If it doesn't, we need to ask yourselves some serious, soul searching questions. What's to stop us, then, from flirting with a guy who is actually married? Or us from flirting when we are married? Scary, isn't it? But if we don't ask ourselves this, if we don't seek God's help, if we don't care because we just "want to have fun", then we most likely will struggle with the same thing even when we are married, because we don't magically change when that ring is on our finger. Lasting change comes from God. When our heart is changed, our conduct will change.

If, as single women, we can learn this lesson now, before we are married, we will save ourselves a lot of heartache and struggle after we actually are married. If it's a godly husband we want, chances are he will be more attracted to us if we don't flirt with him than if we do. This aside, our motivation for change must be to please God. To be God-pleasing, we must put off man-pleasing. If God is our primary focus, flirting won't be as much of a struggle because we realize that, ultimately, our satisfaction is in Him alone, and cannot be found in the attention of men.

--Janelle

Springs of Life: Guarding Our Hearts in Relationships with Guys

>Most of us have heard the phrase, “guard your heart,” often in relation to our feelings towards guys. But what does that even mean? And what does it look like, on a practical level? To answer these questions we have to understand what the heart is, and how it works. Welcome to Spiritual Anatomy 1101. We’ll start with this scripture:

“Keep your heart with all vigilance,
for from it flow the springs of life.” Proverbs 4:23

So, what is this verse saying? In the Bible, the word לב, or “leb,” which we translate “heart” means the core or seat of our will, thoughts, emotions, and desires—it is the treasure chest which holds our dearest possessions and the headquarters from which all decisions and actions are executed. Our hearts choose and treasure what to love and desire, and our actions flow from these desires. So our hearts are the springs of life because life and death depend upon what we choose to love. It is for this reason that we must keep watch over our hearts, and guard them as the source of our existence. As women, much of our life depends on our choices about which men we allow our hearts to love, which ones we set our hopes on and follow and in what way, who we allow in and out of its doors.

So then, how can we “guard” our hearts? What does the verse mean when it tells us to “keep [our hearts] with all vigilance”? The Bible tells us two ways to keep a healthy heart. Like our actual, physical hearts which must both pump blood in and pump blood out in order to sustain life, our spiritual hearts will be healthy only if we learn to surrender our desires to God, and fill our hearts with love for him. So lets talk about each of these functions.

1) Surrendering the desires of our hearts to God:

God created us to love, to passionately desire good things. But as Julie brought up last week, as fallen creatures, we don’t always desire what is good for us, or we often desire to have good things at the wrong time. As this relates to guys, women are naturally created by God to desire an emotional and physical relationship with a male counterpart. Additionally, we have a basic need for general male interaction to balance our chemical and spiritual existence. Sometimes, those desires will not be fulfilled, and other times we may desire to fulfill them in inappropriate ways. In either situation, as guardians of our hearts, we have one task: to take those desires captive to God.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We . . . take every thought captive to obey Christ. . . .” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5.

This is an encouraging verse, because it reminds us that a) we are proclaimed victors in Christ, able to fight the battle for our hearts through spiritual means, b) It doesn’t say the we can’t have tempting thoughts, but instead that every thought should be consciously captured, examined and brought before Jesus for his verdict to declare the place of that thought in our lives—how it is to obey his good will.

So maybe there is a guy you know who captures your attention, someone you wish you could know more intimately. First of all, I’d like to say: welcome to humanity! You are completely normal and we can all relate. Having said that, there are a couple things you should know. First, I promise, this will not be the last guy who you are interested in—there will be many more, so keep things in perspective. Second, figuring out if this is or is not the person that you are suppose to marry will not help you decide how to think about or act around this person, so don’t strive to. Third, while there is no sin in being attracted to someone, and it is often outside of your control, what you do with that attraction will make all the difference in your spiritual life.

If a stranger walked into your house, you wouldn’t just tell them to make themselves at home, eat whatever they liked and lay around wherever they wanted. No! You’d ask who they were, discover their purpose for being there, and depending on that, would decide how they would be able to operate in your home. In the same way, when thoughts pop into our heads: “He is really handsome,” “I wonder if he has a girl friend,” “I wonder what it would be like to be married to him,” “I wonder if he is my future husband,” “I wonder if he notices me,” “I wonder if he will be at the party this weekend,” –we don’t just let them have free reign in our hearts and minds. We take note of those thoughts, and the desires which attend them, and say, “alright, that’s how it is; now come with me,” and lead them before the throne of our Father, asking, “Lord, what shall I do with this?”

Usually, our Father tells us to simply give the thought/desire to him; the Bible tells us that if we have any desire that we should “make our requests known to God”, who “withholds no good thing” from his children who ask (Philippians 4:6-7, Psalm 86:11, see also Mark 11:24, Ps 37:4, and James 4). This means that if what you ask for is good, God will grant it at the right time, and if it is not good, you don’t have to worry, because your Father is wise and he will not give it to you—therefore there is no fear in asking, but instead much peace, as long as you trust him to orchestrate what is good for you. Sometimes when we bring a thought/desire before God, he tells us to kill it. We must be willing to do what he asks, knowing that He will help us.

Now I do want to throw out a quick word of balance: It is important to remember that being attracted to someone, having these thoughts come to mind, and desiring to be married are not necessarily unhealthy in and of themselves. On the contrary, it is absolutely natural and good to desire marriage and even to feel attraction to worthy men. It is very important that we not battle with guilt or condemnation for these things, because if we do, Satan is only distracting us from the real battle. These thoughts and desires will come. It is inevitable. Even as we take these thoughts to Christ on a daily basis, they will continue to come—they do not ever simply disappear, so we cannot be discouraged when this happens, or think that until these thoughts go away that there is something wrong. If this were the case we would all be in big trouble J. The goal is not to eliminate these thoughts, but to learn to deal wisely with them. Wisdom is sober minded—it recognizes that there is no profit in fantasizing about things that do not exist, and that fostering a desire which may not be fulfilled will only make the heart sick. Instead, wisdom acknowledges the existence of certain thoughts and desire, and then continues in her course of seeking Jesus and his love above all else, by presenting her desires to God in prayer, or in simply telling herself not to worry about that and to think about something else that is beneficial in the moment.

And remember: “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.”
1 Corinthians 9:13

God will always provide a way of escape for us. We cannot serve two masters—we must refuse to be controlled by anything but the God’s love, but we can take comfort in knowing that if we ask God for any fruit of the Spirit, faithfulness, self-control, wisdom, that he promises to give it. This leads to the second part of how to keep a healthy heart.

2) Being filled with the Spirit of God and his Love always:

Simply trying to empty your mind of unhelpful thoughts will absolutely not succeed, unless you fill your mind with thoughts of the beautiful:

“[W]hatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philipians 4:8

Find ways to dwell on things that are pure in your heart. Remember—where light is, there can be no darkness. Where you are dwelling on that which is lovely and good, impure thoughts will not be able to slip in unnoticed or thrive.

“[We] walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:4-6

Sometimes as women, our hearts are stirred and we desire to dwell on romance, and love, and the beauty of a man’s desire for a woman and visa versa. One thing that has really helped me when I’m in those moods is to think about the epic Romance of God’s love for us. I imagine Jesus as the warrior who swears to find and fight for the one whom he has betrothed. I imagine the brutal death which he endured for the sake of his bride, and the moment when he arose in light from the tomb, victorious over those who had tried to hold him captive in order to abuse his bride, only to receive his retribution instead. I remember his promise to come and save us, his passion to fight for us, his power to heal us, his kingdom where he will dwell with us forever. After all, it is that story which inspires all of ours. Every romance ever written is a mere candle lit from the lightning bolt of God’s passion for us. By dwelling on these things we make perfect our desires for romance and find satisfaction in the one and only true source of love. In this way, we guard the well spring of life.

Remember, God is able to write the perfect love story for you, so leave it to the Great author to do so, and give yourself wholly to “him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us” (Ephesians 3:20). Dedicate yourself to good works, and to worship and fellowship of believers, and be joyful always—this is the best guard available for the fortress of your heart and the best medicine too.

I’ll end with this final thought:

“Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet;
then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot away from evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27

~Jessica Chamaline

Until He Pleases

Our next "phase" of posts will focus on an aspect of relationships that us girls struggle with a lot...yep you guessed it...B-O-Y-S. How does God expect and want us to relate to these mysterious creatures? Hopefully these next few posts will give you some insight. Don't be scared. Don't be embarrassed. And definitely don't stop reading!

First, I want to look at what scripture says about out relationships with guys. It does after all contain everything we need for life in godliness. I'm so thankful for the biblical teaching we receive through Sovereign Grace on this subject, but I want to draw your attention to a verse that you might not be very familiar with. It's found in the most romantic book of the Bible, which I don't usually encourage young girls to read, however this verse gives us wonderful instruction on guarding our hearts and emotions.

"I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem...that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases." (song of solomon 2:7)

There it is. Black and white. DON'T stir up love until it pleases. How will you know when it pleases? When the Lord allows it to happen.

I'm sure that most of you single girls reading this have the desire to one day get married and have a family. For some of you, you might be perfectly content for that day to come many, many years from now. For others, you wish that day were yesterday. I also wouldn't be surprised if every one of you have a "list" in your head of what you're looking for in a potential husband. Please hear me when I say that the desire to get married is a good one, and pleases the Lord. Your list might be very helpful tool. But a list of qualities you are looking for and a desire in your heart will not prepare you for marriage.

I love this quote by Dave Harvey. "What we believe about God determines the quality of our relationships." So, what you know about God, what you hold fast to, and what truths you stand upon will determine the kind of relationships you have, both now and in the future. The foundation begins now, during your single years. You must cultivate a deep and vast knowledge of who God is and apply those truths to your life right now if you hope to have fruitful and God-glorifying marriage one day.

Another point I wish to make is this. Being in a courtship, engagement, or marriage should not be your definition of contentment. It is not a destination. We don't arrive at it when we become a certain age, achieve a certain goal, marry the "perfect" guy, or look a certain way. Contentment is a state of gratefulness before God. Being grateful and content with the season of life that God has you in is essential to your growth in godliness. If your satisfaction is not rooted in Christ, then nothing, not even finally getting married, will be able to fill that void in your heart.

Relationships with guys are complicated. They are hard. How do you NOT flirt with them but still be friends with them? How do you guard your heart when you are attracted to a particular guy? How do you prepare for courtship, engagement, and marriage when it seems like no guy is in the picture? These are all questions that I myself have asked before. And I'm still learning how to biblically answer some of them!

Trust me on this. There are few things that will be more rewarding than being able to give yourself to your husband one day in absolute purity. This is what God desires for us girls. Absolute surrender to Him during our single years, absolute obedience to his instructions, and absolute trust in Him to give us the desires of our hearts in His perfect timing. Listen, wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to get married is not a sinful desire. However, wanting to "skip ahead" to that season before God brings it to you will not serve you. Josh Harris says, "The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. We don't need to shop for what we can't afford."

God has graciously allowed me to be in a courting relationship over the past 6 months. What an incredible, fun, difficult, and very revealing season it has been so far! I was definitely one of girls that had a "list", many daydreams about what it would be like to have a guy pursuing me, and lots of ideas of what it would look like. God has in his mercy changed a lot of my ideas, and that's ok! Listen to Elisabeth Elliot's wise words, "The will of God is always different from what we expect, always bigger, and ultimately more glorious than our wildest imaginings." She's right! No matter what picture we have painted in our head, God's will and His plans are always better than what we could have imagined. Please trust me and heed my encouragement girls. Prepare your hearts now, so that when and if the Lord brings you into a courtship, you are surrendered to his will and his purposes. It will not and does not happen overnight, and certainly won't "snap into place" when you get married.

Take the time now to guard your purity. Treasure it, cherish it, for it is a precious gift from the Lord and he WILL honor your resolve to guard it. Most of all, He will help you in the process! Avoid situations that could compromise your body or mind. Pursue the lover of your SOUL...Jesus Christ, for no other love, not even the love of your husband, will compare to that. Don't trust yourself. Even if you think the struggle is small and that you can handle it on your own...I've been there, I've done that, and that is exactly what Satan looks for. Confess sin to your mom, tell her about your struggles. Believe it or not, she was once exactly where you are now! Realize that daydreaming about marriage often make you forget what a drastic course of action it really is. It is not intended for anyone who is not prepared, indeed eager, to surrender his own will and to be wholeheartedly submissive to the will of another. Is that what you're daydreaming about? I didn't think so. Time for a perspective check!

It might help you to realize that you are already a bride...your groom is already preparing to come for you. Christ WILL return one day for the church, and if you are a believer in Jesus, then he will be returning for you. What glorious news! May he return quickly! But God has given you such a gift right now, and that is time. Time to meditate extensively on his word, time to pray about your future, time to serve in your home and in others homes, time to grow in your knowledge of Him. Use this time wisely, and the Lord will reward you. See your boundary lines as pleasant as Psalm 16 instructs us to do. The Lord is your portion forever, and his will for your life is perfect. Trust Him and allow Him to awaken love when He pleases.

Have a blessed weekend from the Taking Flight Team!

~Julie