A Treasure Trove: Relationships with Parents

For this week’s round of posts on relationships, I was assigned the topic of relationships with parents. This was no surprise, mostly because of my in/famous relationship with my own parents—let’s just say, I wasn’t the easiest child to raise. Every person has completely different situations, different strengths, weaknesses and struggles in their parental relationships. With that in mind, I tried to break up this post by some of the common situations/difficulties I know that we all struggle with. First though, let’s read what the Bible says about our relationships with our parents:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother' (this is the first commandment with a promise), ‘that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’”
~ Ephesians 6:1-4

"Hear, my son, your father's instruction,
and forsake not your mother's teaching,
for they are a graceful garland for your head
and pendants for your neck."
~ Proverbs 1:8-9

"Hear, O sons, a father's instruction,
and be attentive, that you may gain insight,
for I give you good precepts;
do not forsake my teaching.
When I was a son with my father,
tender, the only one in the sight of my mother,
he taught me and said to me,
'Let your heart hold fast my words;
keep my commandments, and live.
Get wisdom; get insight;
do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. . . .'"
~ Proverbs 4:1-5

There are two lessons about our relationship with our parents that these passages teach us.

The first is to obey and honor our parents. This is pretty strait forward—unless your parents are telling you to sin, and as long as we’re under their roof and dependent on their support, we need to submit to their directions, even if we don’t exactly agree or feel that it is fair. Why? Because ultimately fearing God is more important than winning an argument and getting what we really want right away. Besides this, if your parents see that you obey them, it will build trust and respect, and eventually they will have enough confidence in your obedience that they will give you more freedom and responsibility, trusting you to take care of yourself based on your appropriation of their wisdom. Take it from someone who knows—obedience isn’t just convenient for your parents—it has long term benefits for your relationship with them and for you personally. I know, I know—it’s not as easy as it sounds, but it’s worth the frustration it takes to subdue your will and emotions in order to obey God, and some day when you are a parent you'll be grateful for the same dedication in your own child.

The second biblical message about our parental relationships is that we should pursue and treasure their wisdom, instruction and advice. This message is, I believe, farther-reaching than the first—it will be applicable and beneficial to you for your entire life. You will only have to obey your parents while you are under their authority, but the good that is accessible to you through their insight and involvement in your life will never fade away, no matter what season of life you are in. It is a part of “honoring” our parents, and like obedience, it too comes with a life-long promise of God’s blessing. This is where I would like to focus more attention. Sometimes, as young adults, we become so focused on “growing up” and making our own ways in the world that we turn away from the ones who are most equipped to guide us in that endeavor. We can be so involved with establishing our own identity, building our own circle of friends, and learning things through our own experience, that we brush aside the treasure chest of experience and wisdom that God has already bequeathed to us in our parents. They, more than anyone, were given by God to help you as you shape your identity as an independent adult.

But relationships are never easy, and there are always road-blocks we must face along the way. Things like, “my parent/s and I don’t have much in common,” “my parent has sinned against me so often that I’m always angry at them,“ “my parent and I are so much alike that we butt heads,” “my parents judge me and don’t listen to me when I try to communicate with them,” “my parents are awkward and don’t know how to interact with me,” “my parent doesn’t want a relationship with me; they don’t want to be a part of my life,” or even “my parents are not saved, so they don’t share my values and even persecute me at times.” These are all very real and difficult challenges. We all have them. But you know what? That’s ok, because the things which are most valuable are things most worth fighting for, and a relationship with your parent/s is worth fighting for.

Here are some things to remember that I think will help you out.

1) God, in his wisdom, chose exactly who he would give to you as parents. Whether they are unsaved or saved, laypersons or pastors, whether they’re quiet or loud, whether they’re right-brained or left-brained, single, divorced, married, gentle or harsh, strong-willed or lenient, God gave you exactly whom he did, having considered and approved of every single detail of your life-long relationship. They are exactly what you need in order to grow into the image of Christ, and you are exactly what they need as well. No one else would do. Chances are that you see more of the negative traits that are sanctifying you than you see the positive ones which are building you into a functioning adult on a daily basis. It’s likely that you see more of their sin than their righteousness—I mean hey! You live with them. But God sees and loves your Mom and/or Dad the same way that he sees and loves you—with eyes of hope, forgiveness, grace and acceptance—eyes that see all the good that is in them, and all that they are meant to be. He sees them through the righteousness of his Son. Pray that God will give you his eyes, and humility to remember your limited view and understanding (Proverbs 3:5-8). It’s always good to remember that God knows a whole lot better what he’s doing and what’s good for us than we do.

2) Even though you may share no common interests with your parents, I guarantee you that there is always, always something new that you can learn about your mom or dad that you never knew before and that will surprise and interest you. There was a period in my life when I so wanted to have a deeper relationship with my Dad, but the way I imagined it was him pursuing me, getting to know me, caring for me, understanding me, being there for me. I was so focused on how I wanted him to love ME that I never thought about how I might be able to love and be friend to him. Talk about self-centered. When we finally started to mend our relationship I was surprised by how much he wanted to tell me about himself, and how many things were explained when I started to realize how he felt about life, what he’d been through, and why he thinks the way he thinks. There was so much there that I never knew existed, even though I had lived with him my whole life. Your parents are real, complex, deep human beings with a heart and soul and mind—There is so much to discover, so much you will never find if you only relate to them on the level of an authoritative relationship; when we only interact with our parents to ask them permission to do things, or to check in to be sure our work/chores are done, or maybe to go out with them once in a while, it’s like treating a ticket- booth like the entire fair ground—We’re missing out! Start asking your parents some deep questions about themselves with a real desire to learn. It may feel awkward starting off—but be brave. You never know: you might even discover that you have more in common with them than you realized.

3) Never underestimate the power of experience, and an outside perspective. Your parents have both. They may not have been into the same music as you are when they were teenagers, but they were teenagers. They’ve been there, done that, and survived. They’ve experimented with more situations than you have, been in more fights than you have, experienced more relationships than you have, made more money than you have, all simply by nature of their longer duration of life on this planet. You should listen to them. Also, they’ve watched you pitch fits, mope and rebel since you were a shrimp, as well as seen you mature and grow first hand. Therefore they are aware of your patterns of behavior . . . believe it or not . . . even more than you yourself are. Common, admit it, you’re not even sure who you are—you’re still figuring that out, and in the long run, that’s something you will have to determine for yourself—but right now, consider your parents as the computer data-base with more information than anyone else in the world about you, your personality, your strengths, your weaknesses. This is why God says that we should value their advice above all others’. Who wouldn’t appreciate or use such a database?

4) For those whose parents are not Christians: Unsaved parents can range from nurturing to hurtful to downright dangerous, but in any case, we are still able through the grace of God to honor and respect them. Honor does not require you to agree with them or even to necessarily obey them 100%, all of the time. Honor entails a reverence and respect for the fact that God placed you under their authority, for the fact that they gave birth to you, that they in some way have sustained your life, and that they have experienced more of this world than you have and therefore know more than you on many, many levels. Even if your parent is not saved, they have wisdom—be it mixed with the secular wisdom—that comes from experience which you can benefit from. Perhaps the most compforting thing to remember is that by honoring your earthly parents, you are ultimately honoring your Heavenly Parent--your Father God, who is blessed by your trust in and obedienc to his desire. He is really the one taking care of you. He is able to use *all* things to his purposes—difficult situations, the background of your parents, the mistakes of parents, the personality of your parents . . . your mistakes :). Because you are a child of God, all of these things work together in his great plan for your (and their) ultimate good. Therefore it is important to reverence their authority in your life, to honor their direction and to pursue their wisdom and guidance where possible.

We all need to remember that as you grow in the Lord, you will have new and beautiful opportunities to minister to your parent/s by loving them, caring for them, providing for them, praying for them, even being a friend to and advising them in their own life situations. You may even have the *great* blessing of leading your parent/s to Christ—a privilege many are honored with. In all these actions, through the Spirit of Christ, you are able to be a blessing to them—through your humility, your teachability, your love and pursuit of relationship, you are doing what Scripture commands: you are showing them honor.

“The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;
he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.
Let your father and mother be glad;
let her who bore you rejoice.”
~Proverbs 25:24-25

I have a CHALLENGE for you this week: find (or set up) a time to spend time with your parents, and during that time, find a way to get to know them better. Ask them questions, show an interest in who they are and what they have to say. Ask for their advice about something, and then listen to them, and really think about it and take it to heart. See the way that God blesses you.

~ Jessica Chamaline ~

Love Lifted Me: Janelle's Testimony

I guess you could say that I come from a large family. Seven kids is a lot and I still get confused when someone says, "Did you LIKE growing up with all those people?" I didn't know any different. And I find myself hating being alone. So yes, I liked it. In fact, I still love it and wouldn't ask for anything to be different.

My Dad is a pastor. He hasn't known anything else, and being raised a PK in Sovereign Grace Ministries all my life isn't weird or strange. It's just life.

I have a "boring" testimony, though any story that begins with a sinner going to hell and ends with a sinner going to heaven isn't boring. I had a dream about hell and didn't want to go there, so I sat with my dad and mom while dad drew me a graph on a piece of paper. It showed a heart that was full of sin, that was then erased and filled with the Spirit of God. Fiery darts (my dad drawing streaks of pencil lead across the page) can now bounce off my heart and not take hold because God lives in me. The joy I felt was real...and tears rolled down my face as I asked God to forgive me of my sin and to make His Spirit dwell in me.

I understood the Gospel at seven. I even had fruit in my life; I loved to worship and read deep theological books, namely by dead Puritans with titles like "Sin and Temptation". I also read books by modern guys, books like "Desiring God" and "Trusting God." As I got older, around 10 or 11, we would sit as a family at dinner and talk about subjects like free will, eschatology, predestination, and election. We would go over worship songs and hymns in the morning, songs like "Alas, and Did My Savior Bleed" and "It Is Well." My brother Jesse would play the guitar, and Mom with her small brood would worship, and confess sin, and read books. Then we would usually start school, which looked like us sitting on her bed while she read from "A History of US." Those mornings are some of my fondest memories, and ones that I want to have with my own children. Not only was a love for God instilled in me, but a love of learning, and of debating, not only theological topics but historical ones as well.

One family vacation stands out to me in my spiritual walk. I almost drowned in a rip current. I was twelve, and it was the summer of 1997. I was very comfortable with my spiritual walk...I was reading all these great books, worshiping with passion, and learning what it was like to have a love of Scripture. Even at a young age I struggled, and gave into, intellectual pride. I knew that I was different, that my family was different, and that most kids didn't grow up the way I did. I was smarter than them. I loved God more than they did. I was more blessed and given more grace than they were. This made be, naturally, better than them.

One day at the beach, my friend Peter was swept away in the water, struggling because he could only doggie-paddle. I could swim better than him, and didn't think much of it, just figuring that he had gone out too deep. No other adults were at the beach yet, so I went out and grabbed his wrist, only to be sucked out into the waves with him. I quickly realized I was in trouble. A storm had just come through and the waves were monstrous, sweeping me further out while pounding me over the head with their ferocity. Peter floated to safety, which is what you are supposed to do in a rip current, but I didn't know how to float.

I was terrified. I clearly remember screaming for help, seeing people on the beach doing nothing. I thought I was going to die...I was tired, had swallowed water, and thought I would just be swept away into the ocean and drown before help arrived.

Then, to my intense relief, I saw my Daddy tearing down the dune towards me, ripping off his shirt and diving headlong into the waves. There is no adequate way to express what I felt. I went from utter terror to intense relief in the space of two seconds. I knew that I was safe. Dad wouldn't let me drown. There was no doubt in my mind that he would save me.

That wasn't the end. We both battled the waves for what seemed like hours, in reality only fifteen minutes. Dad thought we were goners...he put me on his back, not expecting to come back up out of the water and doing what he could to make sure I didn't drown with him. If you know anything about rip currents, or have ever been in one, you know that they are savage and unrelenting...the harder you fight it, the further it drags you out and under. Dad knew this, and fully expected to die in trying to save me. So on his back I went, and under the waves he was submerged.

Then, as he was submerged and I was starting to sink as well, a wave pushed us towards land. Again, if you know anything about rip currents, this is unusual, if not impossible. There were bystanders who saw this happen and were waiting in the shallows to try and grab us. A man named Jack grabbed me off Dad's back and hauled me to shore. I sat and watched as Dad was pulled, half unconscious, out of the waves and laid on his back. Medical personnel finally arrived and began to pump water out of his lungs while rushing him to the hospital. I watched as they loaded him into the ambulance...I was saved because he had come in after me. My Dad had just saved my life and was now struggling for his own life in return.

Again, there is no adequate way to describe the next few hours. He remained in the hospital and was finally released when all of the water was pumped from his lungs. He still could have drowned, even out of the waves, because of the amount of water he had breathed in while rescuing me. We found out that two days before, on the same beach, a fifteen year old boy had drowned in a rip current, and his father had also drowned trying to rescue him.

This was a turning point. I realized that it was not enough for me to know theology, or love worship, or to read the Bible everyday. My very existence is contingent only on the mercy and grace of God. My very breath is breathed only on His sustaining hand. My knowledge and understanding is based on what He provides and not on what I do. Coming that close to death, and then that close to losing my dad, brought me against this stark reality: God alone is sovereign and He alone does what He wills. In turn, who am I to think that how much I read or how many discussions I get in about doctrine are in any way adding to my salvation, or making me more holy than others who don't? The very fact that I love theology and doctrine is only from God.

I am still learning this even now. The temptation in being a graduate nurse is to pat myself on the back for getting through on my own wits and knowledge and not point to the One who gave it to me in the first place. What arrogance, to assume that any accomplishment of mine is by my own strength! It would be like if I patted myself on the back for making it back to shore when I was near death, instead of crediting God for saving my life and that of my dad's. This hymn has always resonated in my heart since that day at the beach. Whenever I am tempted to credit myself for a job well done, the Lord reminds me of these timeless words.

I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore
Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more
Than the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I

Love lifted me, love lifted me
When nothing else could help
Love lifted me

Wild Hearts: Jessica's Testimony

People have always used one word describe me: “passionate,” and it took the passion of an almighty God to capture my heart.

One of the largest parts of my identity stems from my ethnicity: I am half Lebanese. My father was raised Muslim and became a Christian in college. He married my American mother, who had become a Christian in high school. Because of my dad’s background, my parents always wanted to make sure that I was able to choose for myself my religion. I was educated about multiple faiths and philosophies, and told that I would have to decide what I myself believed. Probably because I had the heart of a child, and also because of the mercy of God, I came to believe in Jesus as my Savior at a very early age. I have always been passionate. I remember at five years old, desperately wanting to tell my friends and relatives about God. At age seven, my Father finally allowed me to be baptized. I began to read and study the Bible shortly after, and started journaling at age eight. I asked my parents for permission to stay in the sermon rather than going to children’s church, and besides this, my father and mother both provided me with excellent teaching from the scriptures.

As I learned about the Bible, I started to contemplate some of the more challenging questions regarding what I had been hearing and reading. What if the Bible was really written by one person—a grand but perhaps even accidental hoax? What if everything we believed was all just a fiction? What if it never actually happened? What if Jesus never existed? These questions were especially distressing to me because I had, at this point, a very intimate relationship with God’s Spirit, had received his close care for many years, and could not reconcile how I could have experienced this what I understood was not real. My Dad came home to me crying one day as I contemplated these things. My parents sat down with me and began to explain how the Bible was written and how we know the way it was written. They gave me books and research which answered many of my questions, and encouraged me to continue studying on my own. Although I have continued throughout my life to have many questions about the Bible and my faith, from that day on I became only more and more thoroughly convinced that the Bible is true, that Jesus is indeed the son of God, my Savior, and that the very same God was living and breathing into me, each day—of these things I have been convinced and upon them, I have staked my life.

This, of course, was only the beginning of my journey. Shortly after I was assured of my faith, God filled me for the first time with power by His Holy Spirit. And it’s a good thing, because my sin was already taking a strong hold in my life. Pride has been, and still is, my greatest enemy. From an early age I struggled with judging my parents, especially my father. I knew enough about Christianity that I could see what they were doing wrong—when they weren’t living up to the standard of the Bible or the teaching at church—and I held it against them. I felt that I should not have to respect those who did not “earn it.” As the oldest, I was a great challenge to my father and his authority. Although we had a very good relationship when I was a child, as I moved into pre-adolescence and adolescence, things only became more difficult. By the time I was fourteen we were thorough enemies. My mother was always trying to mediate between us. Even though I never seriously disobeyed my parents, or immersed myself in the world, or ran away from my home, I doubt that anyone could have broken the fifth commandment more thoroughly than I did. Both of my parents tried to tell me how serious my pride and arrogance was, but I was staunchly certain that I was the correct one and that they were the ones who did not understand. They could correct me over and over, but it was like I couldn’t even hear them.

It took me until high school to see my arrogance for what it was. God used a series of very humbling events and godly men and women in my life to show me just how disgusting my sin was. Everyone had been effected by my pride—my parents, my siblings, my friends, my teachers—I was the only one who hadn’t seen it; and then all the sudden, my eyes were opened, and I thought I would die. In his love, my Father God patiently disciplined me, and began to tame this tongue of mine, which was as a sharp sword which wounds. He also began to teach me of the cross, and for the first time, I grew to understand the great cost which my savior paid for me as he hung at Calvary. Wild hearts can’t be tamed, but they can be captured, by the great and powerful love of an awesome God.

From then on, it has been a continual process of breaking and healing, humbling and sustaining, growing and glorying in the gospel of my Lord. For those of you who can relate to me: those with a strong head and a stubborn heart—with difficult questions and deep thoughts—with a passionate desire for something worth living for—let me assure you: there is one and only one who is worthy of your allegiance; he is the Lion of Judah, the Holy King of Israel, the Creator of the ends of the Earth. Pledge him your sword and he will make you a mighty warrior for him—only under his mighty hand will your knee bow, but when you do, you will experience the freedom for which your fiery heart has always longed—freedom in an unquenchable and passionate love which alone is powerful enough to hold you.

~Jessica